remember when you got to go to europe for a semester?

I don't. I've never been. I know it's deplorable, but there it is. You can pity me, but I hope you'll still consent to be my friend...

However, I do believe I now understand the freedom that comes with a foreign country--paid for by school or otherwise.

I'm officially on fellowship.

***
Today was difficult. I could barely contain myself. Everyone I know began teaching, but I did not. I'm not accustomed to that. Usually it's the other way around. I have the jackass summer schedule and then I tamp it down while everyone else eases into fall as if A) it never mattered to begin with or B) they have some other, important, duty to contend with that doesn't require teaching.

(I really do love teaching. I do.)

This year, everyone else had to create syllabi, summon good karma, and otherwise throw themselves prostrate to the machine. But I, I have a fellowship...

Before you start to hate me, let me explain: it makes me feel like a real writer. And anyone who's read this blog knows how much I struggle with the Lack.

It just made me feel professional, you know? As if I had something to say. I wonder how anyone else would feel if an institution said, yeah, go ahead, work that dissertation...we'll cover it!

It's glorious.

***
A friend emailed me about getting together tomorrow for coffee and inquired about my new "prestigious" position, to which I replied:

--Are you talking about the prestigious position that doesn't require us to teach for an entire semester? Yeah, I started that one. Felt weird. I slept through the night for the first "first-day" ever.

I'll see you tomorrow. With some work.

But how awesome is it???
--Jen



***
The first question I'm going to ask Susan--who also has a fellowship--before I plunge into more reading and writing and reading and writing is:

Is this live?

I can hardly believe it myself...

Where are the hoops? How high must I jump?


***
Some Fitzgerald then, if I may...


Then they were in an elevator bound skyward.
"What floor, please?" said the elevator man.
"Any floor," said Mr. In.
"Top floor," said Mr. Out.
"This is the top floor," said the elevator man.
"Have another floor put on," said Mr. Out.
"Higher," said Mr. In.
"Heaven," said Mr. Out.


***
And yes, I get it.